Geoff to his brothers again:

Paddington, Wednesday

Dear All

Many thanks for Leon’s letter letter [sic] to have returning the vacancy lists – another enclosed for his perusal.*

If Mother will only realise our efforts are for her benefit as much as everyone else’s I am sure she will thank us and not condemn us for what we are doing. Quite apart from all else the very fact that she will not have to be pulled around every so often (particularly in the winter) surely is a great blessing. Secondly the daily avoidance of stairs which are a nightmare to her and us will help her immensely and thirdly not having to go to and from a cold bedroom at night and morning shivering for the cold will save her much anxiety – to say nothing of numerous other advantages. Mother’s permanent comfort and independence with proper spiritual and medical care is the aim – the cost is our headache and not hers. Last time she came to London and more especially when she returned she had an awful journey and it was terrible even to witness it, let alone having to cope. So Mother is going to Lyng on Sunday and I hope to be one of her first visitors to Exeter to make sure everything is as it should be. I have in mind Sat. Nov. 22nd subject to tieing up [sic] with Don.

Was interested in Leon’s note to Mr Phillips and his reply. Should say he is a different sort to the rest and it is already clear Edwards intends stirring the mud. Heard John Saunders is a strong candidate for Exeter – fairly senior too. Also rumoured the Plymouth Chief Clerk’s job is likely to be readvertised under the new organisation – a different title with the same salary – but that suggests neither Collins nor Beer will get it.

No more now.

Love G&S

*Work vacancy lists, no doubt. It seems as if Geoff’s view has prevailed at last, and Emily is on her way to Fort Villa at the end of November. I have yet to confirm this, but she most certainly died at Heavitree in the March of the following year – a few weeks after her 87th birthday.

Geoff to his brothers:

Paddington, Thursday

Dear All

Leon’s letter safely to hand and I can only say when someone has tried very hard to find the right solution to all our problems it was very discouraging. Let us face facts – when we were small boys we were told “Mother knows best” and “It’s sometimes necessary to be cruel to be kind”. Surely now Mother is beyond the stage of control she should have confidence in her sons to know what is best for her. It is very clear the present moving around cannot continue and it is beyond the human endurance of any one of us to stay permanently at one place. Last time Mother came to London she was very will and when she returned I thought she was going to pack up before we reached Paddington. We cannot hope that it would be any better on another occasion and it is wrong – definitely wrong for her to be moved about in this manner quite apart from anything else. To have been able to find a spot in a Christian house where she is well known and near old friends which she could not hope to see again otherwise; also to have regular visits from us all including the little girls and away from all upsets and arguments surely Mother is something you should thank God for and not be ungrateful. No one wants you gone and no one thinks you’ve lived too long but you must help others to help you and I do hope you will see it in this light.

No more today.

Love G&S

It’s impossible not to feel desperately sorry for Geoff, who is doing his best in impossible circumstances – torn, as it would seem, between the demands of his wife and those of his brothers, and with Emily the unwitting cause of all the discord.

Geoff to Leonard and Eva:

Sorry you have been put to such trouble and it’s clear if we are to get any peace within our midst Mother must be guided by us and not us by her. It is wrong that you or any of us should suffer in this way – you have earned your rights to happy retirement & we need peace to concentrate on the lives to come. I cannot possibly cover my job and be in and out to Mother all night – it is wrong even to think of it.

Love G&S

P.S. Understand re: cash and tickets – I have offered Don £15 to cover to end of year when position will be reviewed as he says. This meets the points he made.

Clearly, nobody wants to deal with Mother themselves and everyone thinks somebody else should be doing it. Typical!

It also sounds as if Geoff’s wife, Stella – who may still have been working herself at this point – has put her foot down about night attendance, whereas the other brothers think that because their wives are willing to do it she darned well ought to as well. They’re all for compassion and self-sacrifice, as long as they can leave it to the women.

Don to both his brothers:

6/11/58

Dear Geoff and Stella

Thanks for Geoff’s letter to hand this morning. I think the first thing I should like to mention is that Joan and I are on our 8 weeks rest period but instead of being allowed to have that essential rest this correspondence has played havoc here.

Now can we have a spot of law and order. M is due here from Clevedon on Nov. 16th and on to London Dec. 14th but to the latter you say No.

You are going to Exeter this week to fix up for M at Fort Villa, but having satisfied yourself that it is suitable and that Mrs Searle fully understands Mother’s condition you should then go to Clevedon early next week and tell M all about it. After that a date can be made for getting M to Exeter via Lyng. Under no circumstances will she be taken to Exeter if after a few 24 hour periods Mrs. Searle is going to say – come and take her away, I cannot cope – because who will carry on from there.

Don & Joan

Addendum to Leonard and Eva:

Thanks for Leon’s letter to hand this morning. Perhaps Geoff will answer some of your queries after his visit to Exeter. I doubt if Mrs. Searle knows the present state of affairs.

It is a pity that Geoff did not visit Clevedon and tell his Mother that Headstone Lane* was off. She would not have gone there at all if Joan and I had not pressed the subject. It had reached the stage here that we would not let him visit her – have we to go through all that again.

D&J

*Headstone Lane was the name of the road in which Geoff and his family lived.

What’s disturbing here is the aura of distrust between the brothers. Nobody seems to consider Geoff capable of undertaking the negotiations with Mrs Searle, and as the youngest of the three this may be a legacy of their childhood. Nevertheless at this time he was fifty years old, married and settled and in a very good job; he was surely as sensible as either of the others, and probably more down-to-earth.

Why Don should have found it necessary to stop Geoff visiting his mother at Lyng, though, is anyone’s guess – unless the sight of him always made her think she was going to be taken back to London to see her grand-daughters, and she became upset when she found out that was not the case. It definitely sounds as if she had mental as well as physical troubles, however, and I’m astonished that they let the matter become this serious before they started looking for a solution. I can only imagine that they were more concerned about keeping their money in their pockets.

Leonard’s notes:

1. Cannot afford anything towards keep.
2. Has the true position been put to Mrs Searle – I think not because I cannot see anyone taking Mother in her present condition which is deteriorating daily.
3. What happens if Mother – for obvious reasons – cannot be kept in the Home – where does Geoff come into this.
4. You* and I have almost completed our ‘shift’ for 1958.
5. ? Night attention at Fort Villa.
6. Mother requires everything done for her now-a-days – even to very often undoing and doing up her clothes for toilet purposes – who is going to do this in any Home.
7. ? Visiting every third week – Geoff has an all stations pass and Eva and I will have to pay every time – either priv or petrol to get to and from Exeter.

*Presumably this is addressed to Don.

There’s a streak of absolute pig-headedness about this list, coupled with a complete absence of generosity and total unwillingness to see anyone else’s point of view but his own. It doesn’t seem to occur to Leonard that Mrs Searle knows her business, for one thing, nor that toileting and night attention are part of the service they would be paying for. Nor does anyone seem to have thought of consulting Emily’s GP for advice about placing her, nor indeed organising professional nursing attendance in the home. They’re all too focused on what a burden it is, and seem unable to accept that other people find solutions to these problems which are also available to them. “Poor Downtrodden Me” syndrome runs rife in the Atkins family, and the assumption is that Geoff is doing this *at* his brothers as some sort of Machiavellian ploy; rather than co-operating to find a solution for their mother’s well-being, they are turning it into a ‘who’s suffering most?’ competition – and the winner is, was, and always will be Emily.

Leonard’s letter to his brothers:

Tuesday

Not a very good day here as you may imagine and I would that it had not fallen to me to tell Mother of proposed arrangements. Anyhow I waited until after breakfast and gently broached the subject and read out Geoff’s letter addressed to her. She was very angry and I had to listen to quite a lot. “She had lived too long and we wanted her out of the way” etc. etc.* “Under no circumstances would she consider it and Geoffrey must think again.” “She had been looking forward to seeing the grandchildren again.” Frankly I had no heart to pursue subject then and after Eva returned from shopping turned out to garage until lunchtime. I asked her in afternoon what reply had better be given as the vacancy at Fort Villa was imminent but the afternoon dragged on dismally until Mrs Marshall turned up for tea and that finished the matter for the day. I can assure you though she was very very down. I answered and tried to answer a great number of questions from her & endeavoured all ways to get her interested in life in the Whittlesea area but without result.

If Geoff is going to Exeter to see the place this week he must tell Mrs Searle of Mother’s physical and mental difficulties in fact she is now an invalid. I have to go into her bedroom every hour – sometimes more often night [sic] to get her on the commode – the former ‘potty’ arrangements now very much out of date as M does not know what to do with it. What are night nurse arrangements at Fort Villa? Will someone be always on hand day & night to help Mother with toilet requirements? Also what are sleeping arrangements, M must be accommodated so that she can be on her right side always. I feel some assurance is necessary on all these vital matters before having another chat with Mother. Another question where’s lavatory in relation to where Mother will normally sit. Strictly speaking it should be adjacent to avoid the walks to & fro.

It is most difficult to deal with – I wish it has never come to this.

So far as Don’s letter of 2nd is concerned we much appreciate suggestion for journey to be broken at Lyng for a night or two as presumably Don would take journey thence to Exeter, where without doubt he would have to arrange the financial aspects of the matter with Mrs Searle. Unfortunately I am not now-a-days in a position to pay anything towards Mother’s keep – quite enough to me to make ends meet here and you will all understand this.

So far as visits go, if Mother does go to Fort Villa Geoff’s suggestion appears to be the only one practicable & somehow we would make it although not in possession of pass.**

No more now.

L&E

*Leonard had a deeply hypocritical side to his nature. Thirty years later he used precisely these words to his daughter-in-law when she was no longer capable of looking after him – he had become increasingly demanding and unpleasant and seemed to expect five star treatment with no thought of the effect he was having on those around him. [And Alec, deeming it to be ‘women’s work’, took no part at all in either the emotional or the physical labour required.]

**Leonard pleading poverty is also very difficult to swallow. Of the three brothers, Don was the one with the most reduced standard of living – although he was still working, and his house was rented rather than owned. Geoff and his wife lived in London in very comfortable circumstances, and Leonard and Eva – with only themselves to please and no mortgage to pay – could hardly be said to be paupers, especially as they grew a lot of their own fruit and vegetables and so saved on expenses that way. They also sold their surplus at the front gate on an honour system, something that wouldn’t be possible in that particular neighbourhood today. Leonard’s assertion that he ‘doesn’t have a pass’ is mysterious, too, unless he’s distinguishing between an ‘all system pass’, i.e. free rail travel everywhere, and a ‘priv’, i.e. reduced cost rail travel for life. He most certainly had the latter.